LJ Idol Week 21: The Way Back
It's ironic that the topic this week is "The Way Back" since all my energy has been on trying to find a way back to the US to fix all of my problems. It's all I can think about — how am I going to get rid of my apartment? Will my landlord find out I'm not there? Knowing him, will it mean trouble and more calls where he brings me to tears? What about my cats? My niece is expecting to move in June, but what am I going to do about my cats. I miss them, but if I go back now, I may not be able to return to my husband for a year...maybe more. This pandemic has uprooted my life, and I can't find my footing — as I'm sure many of you understand.
I fought my way back into Idol, and I never thought of myself as a quitter. I hated dropping out in December, and I told myself it wouldn't happen again, but as the deadline approaches, I just can't motivate myself to write. Life has been too much for me this last week or so, and I'm feeling depressed. Too depressed to give it my all this week, and I'm sorry. I feel like my heart just isn't in it — and I feel terrible for taking a place from someone who can give Idol their all. I haven't felt much like reading or socializing, and to me, that's what Idol is about. I haven't been responding to comments or even commenting on other entries, and then I just end up feeling bad.
But I can't do it right now. I just want to crawl into a ball and hide tonight. It's been a rough few days dealing with my landlord back home and getting responses on my situation. None of it has been good news. All of it is a bit too much for me right now.
I know I'm going to regret this tomorrow, but with the clock ticking down and my mental state in shambles right now, I don't think I have much of a choice but to drop out once again.
Hopefully next year, I can put all of this behind me and try again. Hopefully, I'll be out of California for good, and my cats will be here with me by then. Hopefully, I'll be in a better place.
Hopefully, we all are.